by Lynn Lawson
We’ve all succumbed to the “martyr mentality” at some stage in our lives. We’re certain you’re familiar with what it looks like – you want to save someone from a situation or themselves, even to the detriment of your own well-being.
We’ve read Lisa Marie Presley’s response to the death of Michael Jackson. She stated she loved him dearly. Yet, she felt it necessary to leave because she couldn’t save him from himself. She felt it important to consider herself first, after she realized her health was being affected by the stress of their relationship.
Although theirs was a very high-profile situation, this same theme rings true for many relationships. We, as women, often link up with people we either want to save or we want to depend on us, beyond the healthy roles of a bond. Perhaps it’s due to our nurturing nature. Or, maybe we have some other harmful, underlying issues that make us feel like we need to be needed. It’s a case of us feeling obligated to “fix the sick puppy” (no pun intended).
We think, “If only I can help them in this way, then maybe they’ll be better”. And, we pour and pour into them, only to realize we may be depositing into a bottomless pit. Eventually, situations like this take a toll on the one who is trying to be the saviour, especially when the other party doesn’t necessarily recognize their own need to change.
It’s best for us to take a look at ourselves and understand why we feel compelled to help in cases where it feels unhealthy. Whether we make excuses for ourselves and the other person now or into the unforeseeable future, it will get to the point where either one of two things will happen:
- We’ll continue to try to fix the other person in vain and, perhaps, hinder our own health (spiritual, mental, physical, and/or emotional) in the process; or,
- We’ll eventually understand changing another is beyond our ability and we’ll walk away to nurture ourselves.
There is a third option. Our partner realizes the effect their poor judgment has on themselves, us, and the relationship and they decide to change. And they do…long term…as in, for the rest of their lives! Of course, this is EXTREMELY rare and cannot be relied upon to happen.
So, what do you do, if you feel you’re in this situation? The most important thing to do is distinguish if things feel unhealthy. Your intuition is always right. You don’t need to ask around to get opinions – you most likely know what your answer is.
Decide to put yourself first. The other party will not put you first (particularly if they’re self-destructive)…no matter how much they may love you. And, realistically, how can they place you first? They aren’t even considering their own well-being.
Then, explore any underlying issues you may have that may be the reason you decided to couple with that person. We are often mirrors to our mates. Work on resolving issues so you won’t repeat them in your next relationship.
Relationships that are good for us should feel good. We don’t have to test them for a lifetime to figure out if they’re detrimental.